Books NOT to discuss at Thanksgiving Dinner

This might be Gianna's family...or it might be from
Good Morning America's Awkward Thanksgiving Photos.

If you read one blog post today about how to survive your Thanksgiving gathering...it should
probably be one written by just about anyone else. Let's say that you are joining your bookish family for turkey and such, though, but need to stay clear of awkward themes. You're entering a minefield of cranky people pissed off that the gravy and turkey aren't ready to go to the table at the same time, and the prudish aunt who's offended by every topic of any interest and is not so silently judging your life choices, and the asshole uncle who's been watching cable news all year and has many, many racist sentiments to share, and your precocious cousin who's the queen of the duckface selfie and also tight with Jesus, and yet there you are, crusading book nerd, searching for anything, ANYTHING, to discuss that won't lead to tears, screaming, or your brother live-tweeting the whole ordeal with the hashtag #shitcrazyfam. Oh yeah, and there are about four family dogs present and all are having turkey-gasms while the bird is roasting. We want you to survive the day relatively unscathed. Why? We love our fans (and those who search online for "awkward lesbian conversation" or "The Sound of Music Liesl" and find this blog).

Here you go. DO NOT offer up these books/authors as topics of conversation if you want to keep the peace. (Alternately, if you love the holiday train wreck, by all means use this list as a game plan for your day. We won't judge you.)

No, you don't want to
discuss this book or
movie with your parents. 

1. Fifty Shades of Grey. Chances are that this is the one book that multiple people present at your dinner have read (or about which they have an opinion). Now that the movie trailer is playing online and in theaters, the Fifty Shades insanity is ramping up once again, but don't fall into this trap. First, do you really want to hear your mom talk about steamy sex books? And then there's the chance that your dad also read it "just to see what the fuss was about," and though he secretly loved it, again, it's a parent talking about sex at the Thanksgiving table. And then granny wants to know what they're talking about and precocious cousin invokes the name of Jesus to offer an opinion totally based on her extensive life experience of church youth group trips to Mexico. The aunt who may have conceived precocious cousin without ever actually having copulated with asshole uncle is judging you. Also consider that your mom might utter "Oh my," and invoke her Inner Goddess when the dogs begin humping each other. There's on way your brother won't post the whole scene on the internet. Best to avoid.

2. The Colony by John Tayman. This book is a history of the leper colony on the island of Molokai, Hawaii. Not only is it about leprosy and the glory of body parts sloughing off (who needs a nose?), but it's also the story of how a bunch of people only suspected of having leprosy were forcibly removed from their homes and sent to Molokai even when they didn't have the disease. Pass the lumpy mashed potatoes.

3. The Hot Zone by Richard Preston. Maybe you should just avoid all books about infectious diseases. This one is topical in that it's about the history and threat of Ebola, but prudish aunt will not want to hear about hemorrhagic fevers while cooking that cranberry sauce. It's a really great, terrifying read, though, and I actually did read it over the course of a Christmas afternoon one year when I was a kid.

We love Ina, but she's not the one
cooking your dinner. Red flag. 

4. Anything by the Barefoot Contessa. Your food is not going to look like Ina Garten's. Your asshole uncle is not going to like that you're comparing his grocery store-bought pecan pie to the the picture of the pie in the cookbook your mom is showing your father, complete with judging and whispering. While I would love to attend an Ina-catered T-Day gathering, your relatives aren't professionals and you will struggle to swallow that dry turkey bite if you sink into a reverie for sumptuous feasts that might have been. (This advice extends to all cookbooks, except perhaps for that Guy Fieri person's because he doesn't seem particularly competent or sanitary. And now I'm checking to see if Guy Fieri is published by Penguin Random House....okay, good. He's not published by my company.)

5. Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. There's a good chance that asshole uncle dislikes prudish aunt. There's a good chance that prudish aunt wants to destroy asshole uncle's life. These people didn't start as miserable jerks. There are years of hostilities simmering and you don't want to give either of them any ideas. And let's not even start with your parents' marriage.

6. The Dinner by Herman Koch. I love this book, but A) it's dark, B) it's unsettling, C) it's all about a horrible family meal and secrets, and D) don't give the relatives any ideas.

7. The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. Your cousin is already insufferable. Avoid books about which she's a crusader. Okay? Okay.

8. The Children Act by Ian McEwan. I love this novel and think it's a book that most people should read and discuss. It's a short, moral novel about a family court judge whose husband of 30 years has announced he wants an open marriage, and then the court case she must decide the next day. The case involves a hospital suing to administer a blood transfusion in order to save the life of a 17 year-old kid with leukemia. The kid is a Jehovah's Witness, though, and is religiously opposed and self-righteous in that way that teenagers are about their untried convictions. This is a great, great book for your reading group, but in the family Thanksgiving minefield, you're just asking for some teenage proselytizing or asshole uncle mansplaining.

9. The Song of Fire and Ice Series (Game of Thrones) by George R. R. Martin. Prudish aunt will not approve of the gore, or the sex, or the dragons, or the incest. Asshole uncle will not approve of you paying for HBO to watch the series.

Mmm...Scientology.

10. Going Clear by Lawrence Wright. Oh, dude, we love love love this book, and the word is that HBO is making a documentary based on the book (and hired 160 lawyers to vet everything). This is the history and expose of L. Ron Hubbard and the Church of Scientology. It's juicy stuff and full of details about Hollywood, religion, cult behavior, abuse of power, science fiction, aliens, and money. Why avoid it? A) There's a possibility of sliding down the slope of logic that suggests that if this religion is a corrupt scam, what about all of the other faiths out there? B) There's the chance that your relatives are prank people and will sign you up for the Scientologists' mailing list. Once you're on there, you can never escape. C) There's the possibility that precocious cousin converts right there at the table, or asshole uncle rails so vehemently about the sheeple and Hollywood elite liberals that he has a heart attack. You do not want to be the one asked to administer CPR to that asshole, and with all the excitement of a crisis, the dogs are probably humping again in this background. Steer clear.

Happy Thanksgiving. Good luck.

An Author a Day for Thirty Days: Day 16

Gianna's under the weather, so I'm going to channel her and type what Spirit Gianna whispers into my head. Ready? Here we go.

Spirit Gianna speaks: Liz, do not tell them I have syphilis. That's not funny. 

I'm really faking being sick. I'm just too embarrassed to admit that I stayed up late last night reading Twilight. It's so good.

No, I don't think that Twilight gave me syphilis. It's just so good. Like, "slap your mama" good. It's contagious. Like herpes.

Sometimes I like to cast Lizzy and me as book characters, and in this case I'd have to say that Lizzy is Edward because she's just so, so pale, and I'm Jacob because I'm the hot one. Also, I like to walk around without my shirt. 

Team Liz
or
Team Gianna?

Dammit Liz, the second book is not called "Breaking Wind." If anything, Breaking Dawn is better than the first Twilight. (Also, it's the fourth book, not the second.) I know this because sequels are always better than the first in the series. Look at Star Wars. If we were Star Wars characters, Lizzy would be Chewbacca and I would be a jawa. Obviously I'm basing this on height and the noises Lizzy makes when I'm driving. 

No, Liz, do NOT spread the rumor that I'm pregnant. Bella was pregnant with Edward's vampire baby. Fang babies are so darn cute.

I have a crush on Kristen Stewart.

[We will return to a less fever-driven post tomorrow. Or Gianna will still be sick and dreaming about Fifty Shades of Grey.] 

Good and Cheap (Books)! Day 2

If the Fifty Shades insanity is proof of anything, it's that a little titillation makes for exciting reading. Also, the world is full of pervs. You know who you are. Which reminds me--Gianna, do you still have the Fifty Shades fridge poetry I made you? Care to share a poem with us in your next post? It is National Poetry Month, after all. Gauntlet is thrown, LaMorte.

Where was I?

Ah. Bawdy books. How about a bawdy book that's well written and full of upstairs/downstairs period drama too? Ladies (and gentlemen), I give you History of a Pleasure Seeker by Richard Mason. Protagonist Piet Barol likes the finer things in life. When his mother dies, he talks his way into a position in a wealthy family's home in Amsterdam as a tutor. His pupil, the wealthy owner's son, is troubled with OCD, but is a gifted pianist. The house is home to sisters, a mother, and other servants, and all of them appreciate Piet's "gifts." The guy is rather good looking, and he's charming, and he's a scoundrel and fraud. He's imminently more attractive than any of the homeless guys and convicts that Gianna suggests as potential mates for me. There are some risque antics here, but Richard Mason is also a talented writer and his story moves fluidly. His characters are intriguing and real tensions outside of the boudoir add to the story. This is a book guaranteed to satisfy your reading groups and offers discussion topics like love, class, wealth, and power.

Also, Richard Mason himself is ogle-worthy...

And he has a British accent....

(My women's studies professors from college are checking to see if they can void my degree right about now.)

New Year, New 30 Day Book Challenge, Day 3

Day 3: Your Favorite Series

Gianna:

My girlfriend has started giving me lonely planet books, which I absolutely love. And while these technically may not be a series, I do look forward to the next one as a teenage girl looks forward to the next Twilight book [middle aged mom], or as much as that teenager's mother looks forward to the next Fifty Shades book. It's a different kind of porn.

If you are just going to buy one in this series, I would get The Travel Book: A Journey Through Every Country in the World. It's absolutely fascinating and the photography is top-notch. Personally I really loved The Cities Book: A Journey Through the Best Cities in the World. It's certainly not as complete as The Travel Book, but it's incredibly cool [like Liz?]. All books in this series offer details on each destination, such as what to see, when to go, what not to do (in order to not get lost or killed in Afghanistan for example), and other stats on cities and countries.

The next books in the series (...well, then books I am beginning to drop hints about now) are:  

The Asia Book and The Africa Book. While the Cities and Travel are more general in nature because they are global, more detail is included as these focus on the continent only.

Oh my....

Liz:

Since I mostly read literary fiction and narrative histories, I don't read many series.  That's fine.  I'll just pick Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Free. No, I haven't read them. I am saving it for the day that I'm sick in bed and Gianna comes over to my house with warm soup, a new Snuggie, and her EL James books.  She's going to read to me for awhile, and then when she has to stop because she's laughing so hard, she'll go to the kitchen and remove the brownies she's been baking from the oven.  Then we'll eat brownie sundaes while she reads lines like "that's fifty shades of fucked up."  Yes indeed.

Do I have to read the books to declare them my favorites?  I have enjoyed quite a bit of fun this year in my first attempts at selling porn on behalf of Random House, and in this age of uncertainty in publishing, Fifty Shades was a boner-fide phenomenon.

Okay, fine.  I pick the Anne of Green Gables series.

DIY Christmas Fun in Book Land

I like to think that Gianna and I place lots of thought into our Christmas gifts to each other. She went to great lengths to find a Talking Dr. Laura Doll one year.  I had already picked up a book for her, but I wanted to give her something more personal too.  Something that speaks to the friendship we have.  Last night I was browsing a link from the Book Riot website and came across an idea for do it yourself magnetic poetry.  It hit me: I could do that!

This morning I set off to create a handmade gift for my pal.

Step One: Materials.  It turns out that making your own magnetic poetry is really easy.  All you need are magnet sheets (obtainable at a craft store), a book, and scissors.

The perfect book
for this project

Step Two: Pull pages out of a book.  Normally I oppose the destruction of books for craft projects, no matter how cool the craft might be.  I don't really think that books should be turned into iPad case or purses.  In this one instance, though, it immediately occurred to me that there was one perfect book that encapsulated 2012....and in this particular instance, with 60 million copies in circulation, one deconstructed copy isn't going to break down the social order. (Don't destroy books.  Oppose censorship.  And many, many thanks for all of the Fifty Shades sales this year.  Seriously.)

Page from the book with the margins trimmed

Step Three: Remove the backing from the magnet sheets and stick the selected pages to the magnets.

Magnet sheets.  See how easy this is?

Step Four: Cut out phrases, verbs, nouns, articles, adjectives, adverbs, etc.

Lots of juicy phrases to select...

Innocent phrases can be selectively edited to sound
filthy: "He's just given me a..."

Step Five: Presentation.  I stole a sandwich baggy from the friend who, due to pregnancy related bed rest, was a captive assistant in this project.

Fifty Shades of Fridge Poetry

Step Six: Class is in the wrapping.

Stick the tacky gift with the classy one.
The recipient will be more forgiving.

Step Seven: Delivery.  I texted Gianna and asked if I could come over to exchange gifts.  She replied that I never had to ask to bring presents.

"This is something that someone in a mental hospital would do."

How did Gianna respond?  Gianna knows quality when she sees it. Here's the word-for-word conversation as she unwrapped her gift:

Gianna: What is this?....
Gianna: Wait...Is this from Fifty Shades of Grey?
Liz: (Snickering) Yeah.
Gianna: (pause as she sorts through some of the words)..."Dark"...."foamy lather"....
Gianna's girlfriend Natasha: Those are going up on the fridge tonight.
Gianna: Uh, you know this is something that someone in a mental hospital would do, right?
Liz: I am aware of that.
Gianna: This is the coolest thing ever.

As Gianna continued to sort through the pile of words ("agonizing orgasm," "he thrusts," "husky"), I opened the envelope she had handed me.  My gift from Gianna?  A gift certificate for Kiva, the micro loan foundation that is working to eradicate poverty around the world.  While I am sensitively loaning a woman in Burma the money to buy a goat, Gianna will be snickering over titillating fridge art.  We're always classy.

Generally Horrible Questions: Sarah "Buddha" Brown

Sarah's haunt--Changing Hands Bookstore

It's been awhile since we harassed a bookseller, so we decided to mortify quiz Sarah Brown, one of the key players at Changing Hands bookstore in Tempe, Arizona.  Changing Hands is a bookish oasis in the desert and worth the trip if you're hanging out in that part of the world.  Without further ado...

Generally Horrible Questions: Sarah "Buddha" Brown

1. How’d you get into the book business? What’s your job at Changing Hands?

I got into the book business by way of the cafe - I started working in the Chapbook Cafe in

Schuler Books in Okemos, Michigan, and soon moved to the bookstore. When I moved to

Arizona to be a nanny for some family friends, I got a part-time job at Changing Hands, and I’ve

been here ever since. [What happened with the nanny gig? There better be a prison story tied to this tangent (either you or the kid).]

Now that's a title.

Today I am an adult buyer at Changing Hands, and also the Used Book Manager (I run our trade counter). It’s great to be in the unique position of seeing what sells on both the used and new

sides of our business!

2. What’s the coolest part of working at Changing Hands? 

The coolest part of working at Changing Hands is working at the trade counter. Every day some new, hilarious, random title shows up, and we get to marvel at how ridiculous things get published - like a book on eating disorders called Have Your Cake and Eat it Too. Or Antonia Quirke’s unfortunately titled memoir Choking on Marlon Brando. (I know!!!!) We also find funny pictures and keepsakes that people have left in books - it’s what renews my faith in humanity after a long day of retail. [Oh my god, we need to review Choking on Marlon Brando.]

3. Describe your oddest customer interaction. 

Oh boy, how to choose the weirdest customer interaction... I had a man ask me for books on sexual tourism in Asia once; that was pretty uncomfortable. Also, I rang up an elderly lady who was buying an exercise book called Kick Your Way to Better Health that had a bunch of people doing karate kicks on the front cover.  I was hoping it was a gift, but she said, “Now to take it home and see if it works!” I still feel that transaction may have resulted in a broken hip.

4. What book(s) changed your life? 

I think this may be a tie going to Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451 and The Martian

Chronicles. Reading Fahrenheit 451 at age 12 was such a powerful experience, really exemplifying the power of literature to be transformative and political. The Martian Chronicles is just so original in both format and subject, it just blew the boundaries off of story and plot structure for me as a gal.

5. I’ve never read _________ and I’m so ashamed. 

I’ve never read Proust and I’m so ashamed. Hopefully, having that statement in print will amplify the level of shame to such a degree that I will have read him by the end of next year.... [Note to blog: follow up next year. Further shame Sarah.]

6. I’ve read ___________ and I’m so ashamed. 

I’ve read the Twilight series, and I’m so ashamed. It was a bad time for me - I spent a week

sitting in front of my apartment drinking wine and reading those ridiculous books. The bonus was

getting to read Meyers’s inscription to her husband in the front of Eclipse where she thanks him

for his “willingness to eat out.” Editing anyone? [How to please us: mock Twilight. Good move there.]

7. Do you have any author crushes, and if so, are they restraining order worthy? 

Hmm... I would love to meet Denis Johnson and George Saunders, but I’d probably be able to

control myself around them, although I tend to say extremely idiotic things around celebrities I

Author Nick McDonnell, who
was about barely legal when
he published his first book.

admire... I did meet Nick McDonnell at a BEA party once and managed to sound fairly intelligent talking about his book, even though he was so handsome he glowed (Shimmered? There’s that Twilight influence)! So Nick’s the one who should be scared....

8. Liz or Gianna? 

Apologies to Gianna, but I will go with whom I know - Liz! (She keeps my bookseller crack supply coming - aka advance reader copies.)  [Also, the correct answer is always Liz.]

9. What book(s) has you buzzing this holiday season? 

My two favorite handsells right now are We Sinners by Hanna Pylvainen and Battleborn by Claire Vaye Watkins. We Sinners is an amazing first novel that is great because you can sell it to lit snobs as well as your typical ladies’ book group; we will be hearing a lot from Pylvainen in the future, I think. Battleborn is at the top of my list of great short story collections I’ve read recently, and it is what is truly great about western literature - nothing hokey about manifest destiny and wide-open skies, Watkins truly captures the unique spirit of the west for better or for worse... I am also excited to see how many copies of Chris Ware’s Building Stories we can sell -- it’s getting so much hype, but man that sucker is HUGE! ["We Sinners" is the name of Gianna's other blog, and frequently she posts sentences there like "man that sucker is HUGE!"  Just kidding.  Don't Google that.]

10. Your nickname is “Buddha.” Care to assign deity nicknames to us? (Also, you might want to explain the Buddha thing.) 

That's Sarah on the left, her grandpa on the right.
We think she might be a felon.  What's up with the fencing
around the fireplace? Maybe she's a fan of arson?
(See: Fahrenheit 451)

Ah, the Buddha thing. It is always hilarious to see the customers’ faces in line when I get paged to the registers! It’s a long story, having to do with me sitting in the middle of a highway cross-legged when I was 12. Been called Buddha ever since. How about if I call you guys Thor and Loki? [Liz insists on being Loki.]

11. The strangest place you’ve read a book? 

The strangest place I’ve read a book was hiding behind a tree stump when I ran away from home a long time ago. [Hopefully the running away was tied to hiding from the po-po after that nanny job went horribly wrong.]

12. How much would we (by which Liz means “Gianna”) have to pay you to record a dramatic reading of Fifty Shades of Grey that we can post to the internet? I would gladly do this for free! [That is definitely the right answer.  Gianna needs to be spending her money on Christmas gifts for Liz.]

UNTITLED by Anonymous: A Text Conversation

Every now and then, we sales reps are asked to sell books about which we have no information.  Seriously, we're given an ISBN (international standard book number for those of you not in the book business), a price, and an on-sale date.  Perhaps it goes without saying that these situations produce a less-than-ideal selling experience.  Buyers hate it because they are buying blind, and reps hate it because if the book turns out to be a stinker, we're the ones who receive the complaints.  There are times when this sort of selling is necessary, such as back in the golden days of Oprah's Book Club when part of the deal with Oprah was that no one find out what the book was until the show aired.  Less successfully, several years ago Judith Regan basically lost her job after pulling an Untitled by Anonymous stunt for the book If I Did It by O.J. Simpson.  So here's the conversation that Gianna and I had via text this evening, as today I had the (fun? privilege?) experience of selling an Untitled by Anonymous book today.  Whatever it is, the book goes on sale on December 6th.

Place your bets.  And feel free to offer your own ideas.

Generally Horrible Questions: Sara Glassman

Sara Glassman

(Liz) I called on independent bookstores in Alabama for about a year before my territory shifted westward. Alabama too often has to overcome the "South is scary" stereotyping--squeal like a pig, Forrest Gump, the KKK, and more recently this guy, Tim James the Xenophobe, who was running for governor.  I want to be clear that I never had that sort of experience in Alabama, and I enjoyed going to Birmingham in particular.  Birmingham has a giant statue of Vulcan, quality restaurants and attractions, hills, and cultural diversity.  Yes, Alabama has a legacy of racial intolerance, but it's also the home of the civil rights movement.  Birmingham was a part of that past, but it's also a city with a distinctly urban feel.  And it has bookstores.

Little Professor Book Center.
I ALWAYS tripped on that
spiral staircase.  Always.

Birmingham is the corporate headquarters of Books-A-Million, but I was there to sell books to the independent bookstores, including Little Professor Book Center.  There are stores you walk into and the employees are clerks, and there are stores where the employees are booksellers.  Sara Glassman of Little Professor is a bookseller.  She wants to talk books, she wants to tell you how much she loves books, and, well, she isn't afraid to mock the bad ones.  The store's buyer also is her significant other, and Sara's certainly not afraid to give him a hard time.  Of course I was all in favor of that.  So here you go--generally horrible questions for avid book lover, crafter, and woman who gets the joke, Sara Glassman.  Enjoy.

Generally Horrible Questions: Sara Glassman

1. How did you get in the book business?
I was always a big reader and Little Professor was the bookstore I used the most when I was in high school. When I moved to Birmingham it was the first job I applied for here. Paul (the owner) gave me the job on the spot and I've been working here ever since. [So you're saying that you were a loiterer and it was either call the cops or put you to work.  Got it.]

2. What’s your favorite thing about Little Professor?
All the power they give me. Mwahahahaha. Um... Wait. I didn't mean that. I meant hand selling. I love talking to people about a book and convincing them to buy it. Then if they come back and tell me if they liked it or not, that makes it better! [And the power, right?]

3. Make fun of Drew’s (in)ability to buy romance novels. And feel free to take pictures of him wearing a kilt since no one reads this blog. [Drew is Sara's significant other and the store's buyer.  Sometimes buyers have to order books about which they are clueless.  Drew has a "gift" when it comes to romance.]
Sadly, there are no pictures of Drew in a kilt. He thinks they're stupid Scottish propaganda. Actually, he, being Irish, has a huge problem with romance novels. It's always Scottish men getting the girls and if there are any Irish guys they're usually villains. Or drunk. Or drunk villains.

But his strategy for buying romance novels is this: He'll buy anything with a Viking, a kilt, or a title on the cover. So, the Viking duke displayed in a kilt would be his idea of the perfect romance novel for the store. We've taken bets on this. Viking Heat from Berkley Sensation was a book he bought against my recommendation. We had a $20 bet that it wouldn't sell in 6 months. He cheated and got one of our coworkers to buy it. [See, we could add snarky comments about this answer, but it's already both hilarious and sad.  We're sending the hate mail from the Scottish propagandists your way, though.]

 4. Have you ever posed for pictures with the Vulcan statue in Birmingham? How much would we have to pay you to make this happen?
I haven't posed for pictures, but I have knitted a scarf that is more than 4 times the height of Vulcan (including base). I'm special like that. As for payment to get a photo... get me a signed Nick Harkaway anything and I'll get you as many pictures as you want. [...Where the hell would you wear a scarf that long? We secretly think you just learned to cast off yet and so just kept knitting.  We love Nick Harkaway too.]

5. I’ve never read _____________________ and I’m so ashamed.
Hmm, there are tons of "great classics" that I've never read, but I don't actually feel that bad about it. I guess the thing that causes the most consternation when I tell people I haven't read it is The Hunger Games. [At some point Liz will lose it and turn this blog into a site entirely dedicated to what is wrong with adults reading children's and young adult books. High five for this answer.  Gianna: Um...we're supposed to be encouraging reading here?  Liz: No one reads this blog.  Gianna: Oh, right.  Rant away, my elitist snob pal.]

Fifty Shades fans,
wanna read something
REALLY dirty?

6. I’ve read ___________________ and I’m so ashamed.
I'm not really ashamed of anything I've read. I'm sometimes very very regretful that I wasted my time, but I'll own up to anything. Probably the most scandalous thing I've ever read was the Sleeping Beauty porn that Anne Rice wrote. I was waaaaaaaaaaaay too young to be reading that stuff and didn't have any idea what I was getting into with the first book. But after that I had to know how far she'd take it. Let me tell you, the Fifty Shades fans have no idea how far it can go. [You got that right.]

7. Liz or Gianna?
Always Liz! As a side note, we miss you!!!! [Excellent answer.]

8. What book(s) changed your life?
This one is difficult. On one level, I don't know that any book has absolutely changed my life. On the other side of things, I've read books that have become huge parts of my life in other ways. I read Robert Heinlein and became obsessed with him. Patient Zero by Jonathan Maberry is probably the book that has had the most roundabout influence on my life. I read it and loved it. Then I contacted the author to do an interview for the LP website. He was very cordial and I decided to go to DragonCon (a huge sci-fi convention in Atlanta) because he was going to be there. Flash forward a couple of years and a few more DragonCons and I'm now one of the artists in this year's art show. So that's kind of awesome.

9. What’s the strangest question you’ve ever been asked by a customer?
"Do you have Shakespeare in English?" is probably my favorite. Although, "Can we borrow these or do we have to buy them?" is another good one.

10. What are you reading now?
An interesting question. I'm reading I Don't Want to Kill You by Dan Wells in hardcopy, The Cat Who Went Up a Creek by Lillian Jackson Braun on my phone, and I'm listening to An Unmarked Grave by Jacqueline Winspear on my iPod. [You get multi-tasking bonus points if you're doing all three at the same time.]

11. Alabama or Auburn? (There is a correct answer to this question, that’s related to the school Liz’s grandfather attended.)
In so much as this question usually applies to sports and I don't care about sports, neither. However, in that I hold a degree from one of them as does my mother, and both my maternal grandparents - Alabama. [The correct answer is Auburn.  Sorry.]

A fat cat, a naughty read, and red sheets.
Sorry Sara, we already have a fat cat
lounging in our blog boudoir.

12. Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey? If not, how much are you willing to pay Gianna not to read it to you?
I haven't. And I'm willing to pay at the very least everything in Drew's wallet to avoid Gianna reading it to me. If that's not enough, I've got a sizable cat I could throw in to sweeten the deal. 22lbs of fuzzy, purry, Fifty Shades avoiding feline... that's got to be worth something right? [Gianna: Wait--how much is in Drew's wallet?  I'm getting out my copy right now....]

Another Awkward Conversation About FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

Gianna, as far as I know, is still plugging away at the "it" book of the moment, the erotic tale Fifty Shades of Grey.  No one's going to claim this series--there are three Fifty Shades books--ranks among the great works of the Western Canon, but I can say that my real estate agent talked more about Fifty Shades of Grey today than she did the house I was buying.  (I bought a house today.  I'm painting the walls grey.  Or not.)  Many, many people are reading and discussing the books in a variety of ways.  Naturally, Gianna won't leave me alone either.  If you missed our first text conversation about this book, here's the link.  If you haven't yet seen the brilliant Ellen DeGeneres spoof of the book, check it out here.  In the meantime, here's another uncomfortable exchange.  You should know that I really don't have many options in the friend department (I'm quirky), so I tolerate a lot from Gianna.