Good and Cheap (Books)! Day 17

Well damn. It's been a hell of a week. I'm exhausted. In fact, I'm in no mood to write a blog piece today, so I'm turning it over to Zorro. He likes books. He sleeps on them all the time. And he likes to knock them off the shelves.

Zorro's pick: Crafting with Cat Hair.

Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Fur. Mine is glorious. My white is snowy, my gray like a sleek shark in tint, and so soft. I am luxurious. I am a handsome devil. Minks? Who wants a rodent draped on shoulders when you could have feline finery? 

Do not doubt my typing skills.

Scratch that. And believe me, scratching is a joy. Pardon me while I scratch some furniture for a bit. Damn, my paws are beautiful. Look at those rippling muscles and sharp claws. Excuse me for a moment.

Kitty in repose. 

Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So, anyway, I'm supposed to talk about a book, and while I like The Master and Margarita in principle because it has a giant cat devil in it, I also don't like the competition. I am a cat god. All cats should bow before me. And certainly some already do. So I'm picking Crafting with Cat Hair. DIY is hot (or DIL, for "Do It, Lizzy," because that's how I roll). And I am hot. I am such a handsome fucker. You can take my shed locks and make them into appropriate icons of my majesty. 

Listen, human food source, this isn't a joke. You can make a picture frame from my fur and then properly add my picture, and then you can continue to create a shrine to my glory. And for your children's sermon in the Church of Zorro, you can use the finger puppets to act out my feats of majesty. 

Think I'm just a psycho kitty? Here are some of the reviews that the human media wrote about this publishing masterpiece:

"It caught our attention." --The Huffington Post

"It's bizarre, to be sure, but the appliques are kind of cute too." --The Austin American-Statesman

"There's no other word for this book except: purrfect." --Los Angeles Times 

Okay, I live in a pun-free zone, so I'm going to have to cut that LA Times reviewer. Can someone send him/her to my palace? I'm not allowed outside. Ooh, the TV's warm. I'm going to sit against it for awhile. Someone please tell Lizzy to stop yelling at me.

Watch me. 

I think I need to go back to sleep. Consciousness is far too much of an effort. All of this shedding for future projects is a major commitment. 

I am a sexy beast.

I'm sexy and I know it. And now you know it.
Look at that body.

DIY Christmas Fun in Book Land

I like to think that Gianna and I place lots of thought into our Christmas gifts to each other. She went to great lengths to find a Talking Dr. Laura Doll one year.  I had already picked up a book for her, but I wanted to give her something more personal too.  Something that speaks to the friendship we have.  Last night I was browsing a link from the Book Riot website and came across an idea for do it yourself magnetic poetry.  It hit me: I could do that!

This morning I set off to create a handmade gift for my pal.

Step One: Materials.  It turns out that making your own magnetic poetry is really easy.  All you need are magnet sheets (obtainable at a craft store), a book, and scissors.

The perfect book
for this project

Step Two: Pull pages out of a book.  Normally I oppose the destruction of books for craft projects, no matter how cool the craft might be.  I don't really think that books should be turned into iPad case or purses.  In this one instance, though, it immediately occurred to me that there was one perfect book that encapsulated 2012....and in this particular instance, with 60 million copies in circulation, one deconstructed copy isn't going to break down the social order. (Don't destroy books.  Oppose censorship.  And many, many thanks for all of the Fifty Shades sales this year.  Seriously.)

Page from the book with the margins trimmed

Step Three: Remove the backing from the magnet sheets and stick the selected pages to the magnets.

Magnet sheets.  See how easy this is?

Step Four: Cut out phrases, verbs, nouns, articles, adjectives, adverbs, etc.

Lots of juicy phrases to select...

Innocent phrases can be selectively edited to sound
filthy: "He's just given me a..."

Step Five: Presentation.  I stole a sandwich baggy from the friend who, due to pregnancy related bed rest, was a captive assistant in this project.

Fifty Shades of Fridge Poetry

Step Six: Class is in the wrapping.

Stick the tacky gift with the classy one.
The recipient will be more forgiving.

Step Seven: Delivery.  I texted Gianna and asked if I could come over to exchange gifts.  She replied that I never had to ask to bring presents.

"This is something that someone in a mental hospital would do."

How did Gianna respond?  Gianna knows quality when she sees it. Here's the word-for-word conversation as she unwrapped her gift:

Gianna: What is this?....
Gianna: Wait...Is this from Fifty Shades of Grey?
Liz: (Snickering) Yeah.
Gianna: (pause as she sorts through some of the words)..."Dark"...."foamy lather"....
Gianna's girlfriend Natasha: Those are going up on the fridge tonight.
Gianna: Uh, you know this is something that someone in a mental hospital would do, right?
Liz: I am aware of that.
Gianna: This is the coolest thing ever.

As Gianna continued to sort through the pile of words ("agonizing orgasm," "he thrusts," "husky"), I opened the envelope she had handed me.  My gift from Gianna?  A gift certificate for Kiva, the micro loan foundation that is working to eradicate poverty around the world.  While I am sensitively loaning a woman in Burma the money to buy a goat, Gianna will be snickering over titillating fridge art.  We're always classy.