A Valentine's Day Letter to Liz

Dear Liz,

My sweet jovial friend…of course I haven’t given up on helping you find love.  Why would I? You aren’t at all picky and have what I would call an almost dangerously positive outlook on life and humanity. Of course I haven’t given up on being part of making all (well, nearly all) of your romantic dreams and nightmares come true, but with Valentine’s Day fast upon us and each hour we let pass is one less hour you could be spending in a state owned trailer enjoying a romantic conjugal visit, we must hurry.

No Touching!

I’ve signed you up for what I think are two excellent dating sites. Both suit your desire for someone who will be your best friend, truest confident, and life partner. Well, I didn’t write any of that in your profile but maybe you’ll luck out.

The first dating site, and trust me it wasn’t easy to get in this one, it’s very competitive, is PrisonTalk.com.  I really wanted to keep these gentlemen guessing, so I only provided your full name, address,  a photo of you sleeping, and a request that  “shorties need not reply.” Hope that’s okay. I also used your work email; let me know if you get any takers. 

The second dating site, and start writing that thank you note to me now, is called Tribe Of Singles, a really great online meeting place which is marketed as “exclusively for resilient optimist who believe in great love.” The only way that could have been more perfect for you, Liz, is if it was for Yankee fans only! Anyway this site clearly combines two of your passions: Optimism and social gatherings.

All I can say is … start looking for a wedding dress!

All this talk of you and romance got me thinking about several books that remind me of your tenacity to love and take risks at any cost. Let me list a few that our readers may want to read in order to get a better understanding of what it might be like to love Liz.

How the French Invented Love by Marilyn Yalom

This book completely captures Liz’s unbridled passion for everything/one she does. She also enjoys throwing her head back when men kiss her palm.

Solitude of Prime Numbers by Paolo Giordano

This novel really speaks to Liz’s boundless capacity to trust people. It’s no secret that Liz is an emotional open book; it’s completely inspiring. It also speaks to Liz’s love of Italians.

 

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers

“A time when men sold their souls for gold and women sold their bodies for a place to sleep.” I don’t want to give too much away but Liz was living at my house for an entire month.

Labor Day by Joyce Maynard

A handsome (and physically fit) man escapes prison and kinda sorta takes a woman hostage and they fall in love. And also, he does a lot of housework. Uhh…Joyce Maynard get out of Liz’s head!!!

 

Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert

If you spent even five minutes with Liz from 2005 to 2009, all she did was talk about Eat, Pray, Love. Liz found the book transformative on every level, so it’s no surprise that Gilbert’s follow up just blew Liz away. Now all she talks about is her profound desire to marry and have babies (four: three boys and a little sister they can protect!).  

And finally...

100 Love Sonnets by Pablo Neruda

I once saw Liz whisper this to a man she barely knew, but fancied. She had to get down real low to actually whisper in his ear, but this is what I heard:

The sky folds its wings over you,

lifting you, carrying you to my arms

with its punctual, mysterious courtesy.

--from Love Sonnets

It was then and only then did I realize how very romantic Liz was. And how very, very tall. 

With every last bit of my love and dedication to your love,
Gianna

Valentine's Day, Gianna Style

I have often thought I should have been a relationship therapist…a love doctor.  You have a love condition? Honey, I’ve got the medicine.

At the University of Texas Press, we have many excellent choices for Valentine’s Day. Let me list a few, giving you an opportunity to really suss out which of our books speaks from your heart directly to your true love.

Naked Truth is a really fantastic choice of your love is a stripper. It is also an excellent choice if you’re a stripper, or you enjoy strippers and view them as artists. I guess what I am saying is, “Who can’t you give this book to?”

Go Down, Old Hannah is a really sweet and certainly safe choice if your relationship is just beginning to bloom romantically. It says, “I want you, but not all the way.”

Sex Work in the City just puts a smile on my face. Certainly a more realistic version of HBO not at all lauded Sex in the City, this little ditty is set in the other city that never sleeps, Tijuana!

Intimate Commerce might seem like a daring choice for such a pure holiday, but I don’t think I am too far off base when I say that there really is nothing better than a monetary exchange when dealing with matters of the heart.

The Concubine, the Princess, and the Teacher. Well, you won’t find a more perfect book for the triad relationship whose members also enjoy a little role-playing. Obviously this book is also good if you’re married to a teacher.

The Art of Friction. Yes, that’s right, it’s an art, and it’s about time that someone has written a well researched book about it.

Witches, Whores, and Sorcerers is a no brainer for the Harry Potter fan that you are currently sleeping with. Also the perfect last minute gift if you’re the type to sleep with a whore on Valentine’s Day.

 

Manhood in Hollywood from Bush to Bush is a classic Valentine choice year in and year out for the film buff that you’re porking.

Psycho Sexual might be the perfect book choice for the man or woman you are trying to get rid of, or a Valentine that you actually broke up with over a year ago but who you occasionally still find hiding behind shrubbery in your backyard taking pictures of you through your kitchen window while you make dinner for your new lover. This is one of our bestselling titles this time of year.

 

And one more for you totally vanilla, completely lame book lovers out there. Our bestselling Valentine’s Day book of all time…

One Hundred Love Sonnets by Pablo Neruda. It's pink and bilingual, bitches!

Just as one final note, I hope its clear that I don't have a clue as to what any of the above books are actually  about (with the exception of Neruda). You know, pretty much same deal as every single blog I post. Its my motto, know as little as possible. 

Days of Love...and Lack Thereof, Day 17

Gianna:


I can't believe you even considered celebrating a Valentine's Day without Pablo! What is wrong with you? Do you know nothing of romance, of love, of getting laid? Listen, it's not too late to save face. Pick up a copy of Pablo Neruda's 100 Love Sonnets (I mean, it's in English and Spanish...it's one language for free!). 

"When I die, I want your hands on my eyes:
I want the light and wheat of your beloved hands
to pass their freshness over me once more:
I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny."
--Neruda

I know...guaranteed to get things going.

Liz:

Earlier today a pal suggested that Gianna might have a better grasp of this theme than I do.  Humph.  Apparently he doesn't appreciate the awe-inspiring, loin-quivering appeal of Darth Dick Cheney.  But fine.  I'll pretend I'm Gianna.

I can't believe you even considered celebrating a Valentine's Day without Atwood!  What is wrong with you?  Do you know nothing of romance, of love, of getting laid?  Listen, it's not too late to save face.  Pick up a copy of Margaret Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale (I mean, it's got graffiti written in Latin...it's one language for free!).

Who doesn't want to read about the reversal of feminism and the forced sexual enslavement of the dwindling number of fertile women in the world?  Offred, (get it, "Of Fred?") is the handmaid of a wealthy couple, a servant with no control over her body and no rights.  Her job is to produce children.  It has been religiously decreed by the theocracy that has taken control of the country.  Atwood's book is shockingly prescient, and if she'd managed to include a reality TV series about Offred's tribulations on TLC I'd call her a modern Nostradamus.  

I know...guaranteed to get things going.