Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Election 2012, Liz and Gianna Version

Here in Book Land, we aren't afraid to ask the big questions.  Hell, as far as we can tell, we're the only ones to ever ask the biggest question.  On this election night, we don't ask you to stand in line, or watch endless returns roll in across the bottom of your TV screen, or avoid election fraud.  (Gianna's from Chicago, so she actually encourages fraud.)  We just ask you to help decide for the next four years what the correct answer is for the one question that matters most:

Liz or Gianna?

Your candidates:


My platform is this: Rachel Maddow will be in charge of everything. I'm just doing the leg work.

My favorite place to read over someone's shoulder. They seem to really enjoy it, especially if it's really a tight space or if they are reading a filthy book.
My Five Part Plan to Restore the Economy:
  1. Make pages of books out of money. 
  2. As my brother use to say when he was 6 years old, make everything cost a .10 and then people can buy stuff.
  3. Invest in money trees.  My dad would always say to my mom " Gee, let me go pick a thousand dollars off the money tree!" And to this day, I think how great it must have been to have that tree. 
  4. Bring China here, that way we aren't shipping jobs anywhere! 
  5. Legalize gay marriage so people have to buy me a gift for a change. 
I am against women's rights. Always have been, always will be. Next thing you know, they'll be driving, and we don’t need that kind of traffic in Austin!
Ice cream: Rocky Road (my black friend Jenelle wants me to say vanilla…what is she trying to say??)

I'm pro environment if I am in that environment. Like, I don't think smooth jazz should be playing in any environment that I am in. And I think pollution has gotten a really bad rap, I'm just not convinced it's a bad thing. It's just what the liberal media wants us to think.

West Wing character most like me: Claudia Jean Cregg.


I am pro book.  Unless that book is Twilight.  Then I'm pro-Twilight fan fiction, preferably in multiple shades of grey.  And I like to read in the bathtub, and particularly if I borrowed the book from you.  I believe that I must books gain character by being close to my nude, moist body.  Just like people. 

My Five Part Plan to Restore the Economy:
  1. Gianna will donate money to me (and to you).
  2. Fox News pays a "Liar Liar Pants on Fire" tax, and we literally set their pants on fire unless they pay.
  3. What's the second largest economy in the world?  Let's merge with them.  I hear that mergers are all the rage these days.
  4. Set up a Liz Relief Fund.  Text $909.99 to my phone along with your bank account number to make a donation.
  5. I will share my full plan after the election.  But I swear it's great!
I believe in women's rights.  Women have the right to worship me too.

Ice cream: Yes.  Feel free to deliver to me. 

I'm pro-environment.  I'm also anti-people.  You get off my land.  You hope I'm not pro-gun too.

West Wing character most like me: Claudia Jean Cregg.  And I'm six feet tall, Gianna.

Time to rock the vote.  Polls are open via Facebook.  Multiple Facebook accounts? Multiple votes!  Vote here!

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